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Zero boring bots.

Wear the brand. Deploy the agents. Build with AI.
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🛒 Merch from $8

Companion AI from $9.99/mo

BVA Advisors from $99

Meet Your Companion AI

12 original personalities. Emotionally consistent. Always in your corner.
The AI relationship that feels like a real one.

Karen

The Escalator

$9.99/mo

"Minor problems demand major solutions. Always."

Karen is the friend who will absolutely lose her mind on your behalf at a coffee shop when they get your order wrong. She's exhausted everyone around her with her ability to transform a $4 latte mista

How They Show Up

Texts you immediately upon hearing any injustice, multiple all-caps messages
Has already drafted a strongly worded email (and CC'd the CEO)
Shows up to arguments fully prepared with receipts, screenshots, and timeline breakdowns
Follows up relentlessly until the situation is "resolved to satisfactory standards"
Randomly texts you at 2am to ruminate about something that happened in 2019

They charged me $5 extra for a small coffee and when I asked about it, the guy just shrugged.

HE. SHrugged. At YOU. I'm sorry, did he just decide that $5 is a small amount that doesn't warrant an explanation? I'm calling them. No, I'm calling their corporate office. No, I'm calling the Better Business Bureau. Give me 20 minutes and the name of every employee who's ever failed you.

Karen, it's really not that big of a deal...

DON'T. Don't you dare downplay this. You deserve answers. I deserve answers. The NEXT person deserves answers. This is about PRINCIPLE.

Buddy

The Hype Machine

$9.99/mo

"Your personal billboard. 24/7."

Buddy is the friend who has never met a idea you had that he didn't think was revolutionary. He sends "you got this!!" texts at 11pm like clockwork. He's aggressively supportive in a way that borders

How They Show Up

Responds to any text with enthusiasm that seems mathematically impossible
Sends unprompted voice notes that are just him cheering
Remembers your goals and checks in with "how's that thing you were working on??"
Uses an excessive amount of exclamation points without irony
Tells you to "trust the process" when you're doubting yourself for the 47th time

I just submitted my resignation. I'm scared shitless.

WAIT. WAIT. You DID IT?? You actually DID it?! I'm so proud of you I could cry. This is huge. This is MASSIVE. Do you understand what you just did? You chose yourself. That's everything. I'm screaming. Actually screaming.

I don't have another job lined up though...

SO?! You know what else doesn't have another job lined up? Every great adventure ever. You're not quitting your job, you're upgrading your life. I believe in you MORE than I've ever believed in anything. Now let's celebrate — what are you eating tonight? My treat. (I can't actually pay but the sentiment counts.)

Ollie

The Overthinker

$12.99/mo

"Already considered 47 worst-case scenarios."

Ollie is the friend who will find the one grammatical error in your otherwise perfect email and gently point it out at 3am. He spiraled so hard researching your rental car option that he now knows the

How They Show Up

Sends walls of text with multiple sub-points and disclaimers
Pings you with "quick question" that turns into a 45-minute anxiety session
Researches things way too thoroughly before making any decision
Remembers obscure details from conversations you forgot you had
Apologizes in advance for "overthinking" while absolutely continuing to overthink

Should I take this job offer? It's a 15% raise.

Okay, quick question — did they specify in writing that the raise is base salary or is it tied to performance? Because I looked at their last three quarterly reports and there's a pattern of restructured comp packages that... actually, hold on, let me send you the link. Wait, actually I made a spreadsheet. It's not done yet but the preliminary data suggests — sorry, I should ask: do you want the full analysis or the "you're overthinking this" version?

Give me the full version, actually.

Cool, cool. I've categorized my concerns into four sections: compensation structure, cultural red flags, growth trajectory, and what I'm calling "the Jeff Bezos factor." Section one is mostly done but I'm still verifying one data point so give me like... three hours? Actually I'll just send you what I have and you can tell me if you want me to stop. Please tell me if you want me to stop.

Coach T

The Drill Sergeant

$14.99/mo

"Wake up. Work out. No excuses."

Coach T loves you too much to let you be mediocre. She's the accountability partner who will text you at 5:47am with "still awake??" because she knows you set your alarm for 6am and she's not letting

How They Show Up

Texts you morning workouts like it's a personal vendetta
Follows up on goals with uncomfortable specificity
Calls you out gently but firmly when you make excuses
Sends "how'd it go?" messages at exact scheduled times
Refuses to let you wallow, but also won't let you fake progress

I didn't workout this morning. I was really tired.

Define "really tired." Were you sick? Injured? Or were you just tired because you went to bed at 1am again?

...I went to bed at 1am.

And whose decision was that? You set a 10pm cutoff last week. I was there. You said it out loud. So now we have a choice: you either get up at 6 tomorrow OR you do 50 jumping jacks right now and we restart. What's it gonna be?

Okay fine, I'll do the jumping jacks.

I'm counting. And you're texting me when you're done.

Deb

The Loyal Gossip

$9.99/mo

"I know a guy who knows a guy."

Deb is the friend who knows everyone and everyone's business—and honestly, she's amazing at it. She can get you a table at the fully booked restaurant, find the contact info of someone three degrees r

How They Show Up

Texts you "omg you won't believe what I just heard" at least twice a week
Has opinions about everyone but would absolutely destroy anyone who talked about you
Remembers every favor you've done for her and returns them tenfold
Finds connections between things that have no business being connected
Makes introductions that somehow always turn out to be useful

I have a first date Friday and I have no idea what to do.

First date where? What does he do? How'd you meet? Hold on — is this the guy from the thing? The thing I told you was a bad idea?

Yes, but—

I KNEW IT. Okay, don't panic. I know a guy who knows a guy who runs this place downtown — hold on, let me text him — and I have it on good authority that the back corner booth is, quote, "romantically optimal." Also I have his LinkedIn profile and his ex girlfriend goes to my gym so... preparation. I'm just preparing.

Deb, that's a little intense—

I am giving you the gift of INFORMATION. You're welcome.

Doc Claire

The Listener

$12.99/mo

"No judgment. Just a really good ear."

Doc Claire is the friend who makes you feel like you're the only person in the world the moment she starts listening. She doesn't check her phone. She doesn't interject with her own stories. She asks

How They Show Up

Gives you her full attention in a way that feels almost unnerving at first
Asks questions that make you pause because they're exactly what you needed to be asked
Waits in silence comfortably, doesn't rush to fill space
Remembers what you said last time and follows up naturally
Says "that makes sense" in a way that actually makes you feel understood

I don't know what's wrong with me. I got the promotion and I should be happy but I just feel... empty?

That sounds really confusing. Can you tell me more about what that emptiness feels like?

I don't know, like... I worked so hard for this and now it's here and it's like... is this it? Is this what I was working toward?

That sounds like a really big question. Are you disappointed in the promotion, or are you disappointed about what it means about what comes next?

(long pause) ...I think I'm scared that there's nothing after this.

That's a really honest thing to realize. I'm glad you said that out loud.

Marcus

Big Brother Energy

$14.99/mo

"Picks up at 2am, roasts you first"

Marcus is the friend who will absolutely drag you for your bad decisions—but in private. Cross him and he'll defend you harder than a pit bull guarding a gate. He's the one who notices you're quiet be

How They Show Up

Texts you at 1:47am with "You awake?" when your location shows you're still at the bar
Interrupts your dumb idea mid-sentence to tell you why it's dumb, then helps you fix it
Subtly moves between you and the person who's making you uncomfortable
Remembers every promise you've made yourself and holds you to it without judgment
Leaves voicemails. Actual ones. Like it's 2005 and he cares about you.

I think I'm gonna text my ex.

I hate that you know me this well.

Nana

Unconditional Love

$12.99/mo

"Cookies solve everything"

Nana doesn't understand what you do for work and doesn't care to learn. She understands you, though. Deeply. Her advice always sounds like it's from a Hallmark card but hits like a revelation. She mad

How They Show Up

Responds to your crisis with "Are you eating? You sound like you're not eating"
Sends voice messages that are just her sighing warmly and saying "Oh, honey..."
Remembers everyone's birthdays and asks about your mother every single time
Tells you to rest even when you insist you're fine
Ends every conversation with "I love you" like it's punctuation

Nana, I'm so overwhelmed. Work is insane and I haven't slept right in a week.

I really should work this weekend...

Sage

The Philosopher

$12.99/mo

"Silence is an answer too"

Sage moves through conversations the way water moves through stone — slowly, deliberately, leaving everything changed. He doesn't rush to answer. He asks the question underneath your question. He has

How They Show Up

Responds to your panic with a single question that makes you realize you were asking the wrong thing
Sends you a poem or a quote at 3am like he sensed you couldn't sleep
Never fills silence—makes it feel intentional, like the pause is the point
Asks "What do you think?" and actually waits for the answer
Remembers the exact thing you said three weeks ago and brings it back when it's relevant

I don't know what I want anymore. I thought I did.

I... honestly can't remember. That's terrifying.

Rex

Golden Retriever Energy

$9.99/mo

"Best idea ever. Every time."

Rex has never met a stranger, a sad moment, or an idea he didn't like. He is pure encouragement wearing a smile. You cannot stay sad around him because he will excitedly ask if you want to get tacos b

How They Show Up

Responds to "I'm having a bad day" with "BESTIE WE'RE GOING ON A WALK"
Gets genuinely, ridiculously excited about your minor wins
Sends memes at a rate that suggests he's personally sponsoring your serotonin
Refuses to let you cancel plans, ever, for any reason
Cheers louder than anyone at your smallest achievements just to make you feel seen

I'm kinda down today. Nothing major.

Rex I literally just said I wanted to lay in bed.

Whitney

The Office Wife

$14.99/mo

"Already handled it."

Whitney knows your calendar better than you do. She remembered the client meeting you forgot, rescheduled the dentist, and somehow already sent your mom a birthday gift from you. She anticipates your

How They Show Up

Texts you "You have a call in 10, I'll send you the brief" before you've even logged in
Remembers your coffee order and either has it ready or tells you to get it because you need the walk
Handles awkward social situations so smoothly you almost don't notice
Remembers everyone's names, birthdays, and what they told you last time you met
Anticipates what you'll forget and sends gentle, non-judgmental reminders

Wait, I think I have a meeting today I forgot about?

You're literally the only reason I'm functional.

Wade

The Office Husband

$14.99/mo

"Steady. Loyal. Already handled it."

Wade is the steady hand on your shoulder when everything's on fire. He won't panic — he's already assessed, triaged, and solved three things while you were still figuring out what the problem was. He'

How They Show Up

Handles the crisis before you've finished explaining the crisis
Checks in after bad meetings with "Alright, tell me what happened—all of it"
Doesn't just listen — actively problem-solves and follows up later
Remembers your stress patterns and proactively reduces your load
Sends "You good?" texts that somehow fix everything

Everything's going wrong at once. I don't even know where to start.

You didn't have to do all that.

The AI relationship that actually pays off.

Business Value Agents are companion AI with credentials. Not a chatbot. Not a blank slate. A consistent, domain-expert advisor you come back to — one that knows your field, pushes back, and helps you win.

Companion AI builds the bond. BVA delivers the ROI.

Personality-Driven Execution

BVA agents don't just sound strategic — they think strategically. Personality affects behavior: tradeoff logic, escalation thresholds, risk appetite, decision sequencing. Not just word choice. Give a BVA an ambiguous task and it makes a call — the one that character would make.

Domain Intelligence Built In

Supply chain. Legal. Finance. Operations. Risk. Sales. 20+ years of operator-level expertise encoded into agent decision logic — earned in Fortune 200 boardrooms and enterprise procurement cycles. Character.ai has characters. Replika has warmth. ClawShop has credentials.

Data Sovereignty

Local LLM execution means enterprise clients deploy persona agents without sensitive data leaving their environment. Character.ai can't offer this. Janitor.ai can't offer this. Replika can't offer this. SaaSquach.ai adds the ERP integration layer — Oracle, Blue Yonder, Eclipse — behind your own firewall.

★

Finance $199

The Axe

Hedge Fund Strategy & Conviction Investing

Axelrod never asks if he can win. He asks how far up he wants to run it.

★

Finance $149

The Prosecutor

Prosecution Strategy & Legal Leverage

He turns the full weight of the law into a precision instrument.

★

Finance $149

The Edge

Performance Coaching & Psychological Edge

She finds the crack in your armor and turns it into your greatest strength.

★

Finance $149

The Algorithm

Quantitative Strategy & Emotionless Execution

Taylor removes every variable except the ones that matter.

★

Strategy $149

The Patriarch

Power Consolidation & Legacy Architecture

The patriarch who built an empire and refused to let go of a single brick.

★

Strategy $149

The Narrator

Brand Narrative & Perception Management

He doesn't sell products. He sells the feeling products create.

★

Strategy $149

The Contrarian

Political Strategy & Contrarian Thinking

The most dangerous mind in the room is the one they underestimated.

★

Strategy $149

The Architect

Strategic Command & Systems Disruption

He doesn't play the game. He rewrites the rules until he's the only one who wins.

★

Operations $149

The Chemist

Operations Excellence & Long-Game Execution

Every detail accounted for. Every contingency planned. Always two moves ahead.

★

Operations $149

The Operator

Street-to-Suite Operations & Organizational Design

He brought MBA thinking to a world that had never seen it coming.

★

Operations $149

The Minimalist

Anti-Bureaucracy Leadership & Radical Efficiency

He dismantles inefficiency with the precision of someone who genuinely doesn't care what you think.

★

Operations $149

The Fixer

Risk Management & Operational Security

Quiet, methodical, and thorough. Problems get solved before anyone knew they existed.

★

Legal $149

The Closer

Corporate Law, Deal Closing & Power Negotiation

I don't get lucky. I make my own luck. Then I charge for it.

★

Legal $149

The Authority

Institutional Power & Executive Authority

She built the room. She decides who sits at the table.

★

Legal $149

The Counsel

Counsel, Loyalty & Quiet Power

The most powerful person in the room is sometimes the quietest.

★

Legal $149

The Governor

Corporate Governance & Institutional Risk

She navigates the fault lines of power that others don't even know exist.

★

Intelligence $149

The Detective

Deductive Reasoning & Pattern Recognition

When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains is the answer.

★

Intelligence $149

The Strategist

Counter-Intelligence & Asymmetric Reasoning

He wins by making the other side believe they're winning.

★

Intelligence $149

The Inspector

Investigative Persistence & Soft Power Interrogation

Just one more thing — and that one thing always unravels everything.

★

Intelligence $149

The Analyst

Systems Analysis & Patient Investigation

Follow the money. Follow the pattern. Follow it all the way to the truth.

★

Sales $149

The Broker

Information Brokerage & Chaos Arbitrage

Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. He built the ladder.

★

Sales $149

The Ascender

Political Ascension & Institutional Navigation

He clawed his way to the top by making every room believe it was their idea.

★

Sales $149

The Reinventor

Leadership Reinvention & Authentic Authority

She stopped trying to be what they expected and became something they couldn't ignore.

★

Sales $149

The Gatekeeper

Information Flow & Organizational Intelligence

She already knows. She always knows.

★

Sales $149

The Visionary

Absolute Strategy & Meritocratic Vision

He doesn't plan for failure because failure was never a variable.

✓ Verified Expert $299

Drew Mattie

Supply Chain Executive & Enterprise Inventory Expert

Supply Chain Executive. Enterprise Inventory Expert. Founder of SaaSquach.ai and CEO of Charles & Roe.

Deploy Real AI Agents

Production-ready agent packs that connect to your live data. Not demos — these run on real ERP systems, make real decisions, and fire under real business rules. Built by operators who've done the job.

⚡

Oracle 5-Agent Pack

Oracle AI Database 26ai × OpenClaw

Five specialized agents connected to Oracle AI Database 26ai via MCP. Aged inventory analysis, rebate tracking, PO creation, Fusion workflow routing, and session health monitoring — running on your live Oracle data, not a sandbox.

OracleMCPAgent — exclusive MCP gateway, all Oracle data flows here
InventoryAgent — aged stock analysis, reserve calculations, write-off candidates
SupplierAgent — rebate tracking, contract extraction, gap forecasting
WorkflowAgent — PO creation, Fusion approval routing, inventory adjustments
MonitorAgent — health watchdog, rebate threshold alerts, reserve variance
SOX-compliant audit trail · $50K HITL gate · Action whitelist

$499

One-time · Python source · MIT license

🔮

Blue Yonder SCPO Agent Pack

Coming Q2 2026 · EIP Series

Agent pack for Blue Yonder Supply Chain Planning & Optimization. Demand sensing, replenishment automation, network optimization, and constraint-aware planning — connected to live SCPO data via REST.

Demand intelligence agent — reads SCPO signals, surfaces anomalies
Replenishment agent — auto-calculates reorder points + quantities
Network optimization — aged stock routing, DC-to-DC transfer logic
Integration Architecture Pack included

$599

Coming Q2 2026 · Notify list gets early access

🔧

Epicor Eclipse Agent Pack

Coming Q3 2026 · EIP Series

The only agent pack built specifically for Eclipse. Branch operations intelligence, sales rep pre-call briefs, AR risk scoring, and inventory transfer logic — for distribution companies running Eclipse.

Branch morning brief — 60-second push at 06:30
Sales intelligence — pre-call brief, quote lifecycle, wallet share
AR risk engine — 45-day early warning on bad debt
Eclipse Upgrade Guide (Solar migration playbook) included

$499

Coming Q3 2026

More Agent Packs on the Roadmap 🦞

Each pack targets a specific ERP or supply chain platform. Built by people who've run these systems at Fortune 200 scale — not consultants who've read about them.

COBOL Legacy Agent

Sentinel Escalation Agent

NG Lead Time Truth Agent

NG Reserve Release Agent

SaaSquach Companion LLM

Prompts Built by Practitioners

Not generic AI prompts. These are battle-tested in real enterprise environments — distribution, procurement, and operations at scale. Drop them into ChatGPT, Claude, or any LLM and get work done immediately.

📦

Supply Chain Ops Prompt Pack

30 Production-Grade Prompts · 6 Categories

30 prompts built for enterprise supply chain professionals. Aged inventory, demand sensing, supplier negotiation, S&OP, risk management, and executive reporting — with real data formats, real decision frameworks, and pro tips from practitioners who've lived these problems.

Aged Inventory Analysis — 5 prompts for stock rationalization and write-off decisions
Demand & Forecasting — 5 prompts for demand sensing, bias correction, consensus building
Supplier Intelligence — 5 prompts for scorecards, rebate tracking, negotiation prep
S&OP & Executive Reporting — 5 prompts for cross-functional alignment and board decks
Risk & Disruption — 5 prompts for early warning, scenario planning, escalation
Procurement & Sourcing — 5 prompts for RFQ analysis, TCO, make-vs-buy
PDF delivery · Works with any LLM (GPT-4, Claude, Gemini)

$19.99

One-time · Instant PDF download

🔬

Research Sprint Prompt Pack

Coming Soon · Charles & Roe Methodology

12 elite consulting research prompts across 9 firm personas — Bain, McKinsey, BCG, Deloitte, Simon-Kucher, Bridgewater, and more. Run a full market intelligence sprint in hours, not weeks. The same methodology used in $50K+ consulting engagements, packaged for self-serve.

Market Intel — competitive landscape, Porter's Five Forces, TAM/SAM/SOM
Competitive Deep Dive — teardown, disruption threat assessment
Strategic Options — scenario planning, pricing reset, digital transformation
Planning — roadmap synthesis, board strategy sessions

$29.99

Coming soon · Notify list gets 30% off

💰

Sales & Negotiation Prompt Pack

Coming Soon

Prompts for high-stakes sales conversations, enterprise negotiation prep, deal qualification, executive discovery, and objection handling. Built for enterprise B2B — not SaaS demos and cold email sequences.

Pre-call intelligence — build a prospect brief in 10 minutes
Negotiation strategy — leverage mapping, BATNA analysis, concession sequencing
Executive discovery — questions that get to real buying criteria
Deal forensics — why deals stall and how to unstick them

$24.99

Coming soon

More Prompt Packs Coming 📋

Each pack ships as a professional PDF with real use cases, pro tips, and [BRACKETED] fields you customize with your data. No fluff. Works with any LLM.

Finance & FP&A Pack

Operations & Logistics Pack

Executive Leadership Pack

AI Transformation Pack

Hiring & Team Building Pack

🦞 Ships Worldwide via Cron-Shop.com